With all the 'stuff' that's going on I semi-assumed that if I came here, poured out my heart, possibly have people read my feelings - and then decide that what I had wrote was, in fact, embarrassing and crap, that I would have so many regrets about putting those feelings into this diary.

But now I have realised that this is my diary and that if I want to say things and make a complete fool out of myself - then I shall.

Pfft.

So, this is how I feel:

I have never, in all my life, felt this way before. I don't know how real it is or if it is even anything, but I feel it so strongly. It has been stuck in my head for so long now and has really begun to explode during this past month (as my previous entries show/explain).

No one has ever made me feel the way that he does.

And I know that I’m only 16 and what the hell do I know about ‘relationships’ anyway, but I can't supress this feeling. It’s a feeling that I have yearned for for so damn long and in all honesty - I didn’t actually believe it existed. But now I know (I think) that it does and that I am experiencing it right this very second.

I have not felt my body being pulled into the ‘blackness’ for the longest time for months. The days have not been carbon copies of one another, I don’t go to bed dreading the next day - I’m actually happy.

And this is all down to one 17 year old boy that I haven’t even met.

How can it even be possible? How is it logical? How can it even be real?

I don’t know.

I thought I knew it all about everything - but I don’t. There are so many feelings and emotions that I have discovered but don’t truely understand why they are so. So many emotions on so many levels. Levels that I never thought I would reach or feel.

And the part that drives me most crazy?

He likes me too.

Sometimes I get paranoid and think "What if he’s playing with me? What if he has no feelings for me at all?", but then all the paranoia washes over me and the cynicism is gone. My cynical nature that I pride myself on, just washes away.

Now, instead of drowing in the ‘blackness’, I am now drowning in him. I’m drowing in his every word, every little breath he takes on the phone....

I can’t believe these words are falling out of my mind. I never thought I would get the opportunity to feel like this (I always though it was a bit ridiculous and felt sickened by people who did), but now - by some freaky twist of nature - I am.

And I’m so god damn scared.

He doesn’t know how much he has ‘saved me’ (I was about to apologise for my use of sopppy words in this entry, but I’ve decided I actively refuse to) from where I was going. I can’t tell him, because I’m frightened to let him know how close to the edge I was.

I’m so full of bliss and complete and utter fear.