It's getting to the uncontrollable stage now. I don't even realise I'm doing it until I walk away afterwards and think about what I've been saying. I don't know whay I even do it. It's never planned and I try desperately to pull myself out - but it's so difficult. Once I start, the only way to dig myself out is to tell more lies. So, I'm stuck in these stupid stories that I hate.

I just can't understand myself. It just happens and I hate myself for letting it take over.

Why is this happening to me? It's as if my mind has two parts. The one isn't sure what's real and so makes up tales to fill up voids. The other part is desperately trying to ignore the first part, define what is actually real and hold onto that. But the thing is - after a while the second part gives in and the first part becomes me. I hate her. I hate that person inside of me who is ruining my life. She is swallowing up everything that is sane in me and shredding it to pieces. I don't think I can shut it up for much longer.

And I'm stupid.

I complain that I have no one to explain how I feel to - but how the hell can expect to find someoent to talk to when I'll just lie to them about it anyway? Who would possibly want to be near a person who lies until she no longer knows the truth herself. Somebody has been extremely truthful to me lately and told me things that they, supposedly, have not told anybody else. And I want to share that with them and tell them things I have not told anybody, but how can I when I’ve already lied to them about things? When I’ve already made myself out to be somebody I really am not. They think that I am some strong, confident, independent person when really all I am is a confused, scared little girl.

......

I have just had my dinner and now I feel even worse.

I can’t even eat like I used to. I have always been skinny, but have eaten really well. I’d eat loads, in fact. But now I feel sick when I eat. I leave loads of it and heave when I put anything into my mouth. I’ll be having the most horrendous stomach pains, but can’t stop them because I can’t bring myself to eat. So then I substitue food with drink. Not alcohol - just juice. I’ll drink and drink cups full of juice when I’m hungry and go to the toilet about 20 times. But sometimes I can’t go. Then I feel even worse.

Why is my body putting me through this?

And then I hurt myself. It started a couple of weeks ago. Nothing too serious - I just sharpen my nail and scratch the back side of my arms over and over until they are sore and red. Then I look at my blotchy arm and hold onto it tighly. Then after about an hour the scratches and redness fades and I feel empty. It achives nothing, but for a split second - when those red clouds spread over my grey skin - I feel something. I don’t know what it is, but I feel sort of relieved. As if everything is just washing over me.

Why am I doing this?

Why am I talking such cliches? I know it’s such a cliche to say “I’m a cliche”, but it’s is honestly the only way that I can describe how I feel.

I want to drown

I thought this feeling was going away - I thought that I could keep it quiet, but I just can’t. I think I’m doing alright, but then I remember all the lies I’ve told and how I don’t know who I am. I used to think that these were typical teenage feelings, but I’m not sure if they are anymore.

I can’t tell black from white - everything is just grey and blurred.