Usually, I have a bad night, but then feel 'fine' by the next day. Obviously, it's not a real fine, because in fact all I've done is covered the badness with another layer.

But all day the blackness, the vortex and the suffocation has carried on and now I am both physically and emotionally drained. I am almost certain that I have now begun to reach the place that I've been avoided for so long. My brain feels stretched and as if it is ready to explode. I don't know how to kill this horrible thing living inside of me, whose constant chatterings I can no longer block out.

I think I am finally losing it.

The thing that makes me feel the lowest is that I have no solid reason for feeling like this. No excuse can justify why I can't cope. I'm not abused, I'm not bullied, I've not got a critical health problem - I've got no plausable reason for why I feel so depressed. And I know that the term 'depressed' is so commonly mis-used and that everybody says "Oh, I'm depressed"... but I can't think of another word to describe it. I suppose it's more of a blackness.

But I'll have to supress these feelings for at least a month longer. I need to get my exams out of the way, so that I at least have some sort of support after I get through this. If I can stick it out for just a month or so, then I'll be able to do something about this. I don't want it to swallow me up and I have no intentions of giving in to it.